JESUS. ENDURANCE. STRENGTH. POWER.

So, not only am I writing in my blog again, I have also decided to start running again. Yesterday, I got up and went for a run before church. I only ran two miles and it was tough. I'm gonna let you in on a secret of mine. Something, I've never told anyone. Are you ready? I have a mantra that I say when I'm running and I don't think I can manage another step. It sounds silly, I know. 

While running yesterday, the first mile was ok. Then I turned around to come back and discovered a steady incline for the entire way back home and my heart sank. I was streaming Pandora through my iPhone. I had it on a country station at first but had to change it in hopes of finding something more upbeat. I decided for a Christian station. Sometimes, I get really good upbeat music that gets my legs moving and then there are times like yesterday. I was running while "How Great Thou Art" was playing! Come on, Pandora!! While I love the song and it flooded my mind with memories of my childhood church, this was not exactly a running song! But I suppose that's what Pandora's box is, right? It's either something really good or something really bad...or is that just on Big Brother? I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't change the station. Well, I'll tell you why. I couldn't. I just couldn't! It was too much extra exertion to unlock my iPhone, find the Pandora app and pick another one. Come on! I couldn't breathe, let alone peruse around through my apps! I passed a few runners coming the opposite direction. I mustered all my energy to pick up my pace, stand a little taller and try to control my breathing so they wouldn't pick up on the fact that I was about to kill over! Then I told myself it was time. Then I told Jesus it was time. You know the time...it was mantra time! With each breath out, I say (in my head) Jesus. Endurance. Strength. Power. I repeat this over and over until I pass the finish line or my run is over. HOWEVER, yesterday even saying my mantra was too exhausting! So I had to shorten it. I could only get out Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! 

Something else I do while running is a little hand raise. If I'm listening to my Christian music I may put a hand up for a beat or two. Yesterday, I attempted and then put that hand right back down. I told Jesus, "Shoo, not today. But here, here..." I put my pointer finger up as I ran! "You see it, God...this finger's for you!!!" I finished my run and I felt great when it was over. I'm hoping that tonight's run will be better than yesterday and hopefully when I open Pandora's box it will be to find an upbeat Toby Mac or Mandisa song! ;)

Boys

A facebook friend of mine posted a picture of her 2 precious little girls a week or so ago. They were hugging and smiling and just adorable. The caption said something to the effect of they had just said their bedtime prayers and my friend had prayed that they would always love each other and be good sisters to each other. After the prayer, the little girls hugged and one of them exclaimed, "Jesus heard our prayers!!! Take a picture!" How completely sweet!!!

That night I decided to try it with our boys. "Boys" is the opportune word in the previous sentence. I had finished reading them their books and then got them all nestled in bed. As we said our prayers we prayed for the people in the path of Hurricane Isaac and thanked God that we were safe. I ended by praying that they would always love each other and be good brothers to each other. When we pray, I usually pray and then Hunter goes and then Jack. 

*Jack has a little bit of a talking problem. Not only does he talk a lot, and I mean A LOT, he also gets ahead of himself. He doesn't stutter, it's more of a repeat. He'll repeat the same 1-3 words before he can get the full sentence out.*

After we had said "AMEN" I looked up waiting to see them hug. Instead, Hunter looks at me and says, "When Jack was praying he sounded like a scratched up DVD!" Well, there you have it...boys!!!

I don't have pink in my life. I don't have glitter and glam. No little divas in this house. No one to watch me put on make up and ask to have some. Theres no finger nail painting going on here. I live in a house  where everything can be turned into a weapon. Before I know it, I have crossed enemy lines. Star Wars and Thomas are our main topics of conversation, at the dinner table, in the car, at bedtime, while watching tv. Karate moves are shown off. I find paper airplanes and ninja stars made from notebook paper everywhere. 

No, I don't have princesses or sparkles but I do have two very sweet and loving boys. They are boys that know how to share and give. My oldest made me a cross out of sticks at recess. My youngest offered me his heart when mine was broken. I have polite, loving little boys. Yes, they can be rowdy and loud. But I wouldn't trade them for all the taffeta in the world!!

Here Kitty Kitty

This was an email I sent to a couple girlfriends a few days ago. They told me I should blog. I did not tell them I actually had a blog, one that I don't ever write in!

So...y'all know I can't see, right? Especially in the dark. Last night we were in the back yard and I saw something on the ground so I took a step toward it and bent over a little. It was really fast and I thought it was a lizard. Then from it's movement I ruled that out. My next thought was SKINK!!! Then I realized it was most definitely a snake!! LOL! It was a fast little booger. I said calmly, "Snake...SNAKE!" But with the dang wind Luke didn't hear me til I was running away screaming SNAAAAKE! Glad the little guy got away tho cause Luke was gonna chop off it's head with a shovel!

Anywho...the whole scenario reminds me of the commercial where the woman lets a raccoon in her house thinking it's her cat. Luke ALWAYS gives me the look when we see it cause he says that's me!

So, here is is...my entry for 2012. I'm only 9 months into the year! ;)

Impressions

I really thought life was gonna be good. I was so excited and happy to be in Florida, to be reconciled with my husband, to be a family again. Then I was blindsided. I had been lied to. The more neighbors I met, the more stories I heard. The more the truth was apparent. I can't make us work. Both parties have to actively want to be married. So now, a year later, I find myself separated once again. This has been a vicious cycle, one that is unhealthy not only for our marriage, but for our children. This time he left me. The married life wasn't for him and he just didn't love me anymore. Then came the other girls. His first mistress, the bottle, has remained faithfully by his side. The heartbreak is almost unbearable. The devastation. This is not me. I am a Christian woman who doesn't believe in divorce. I believe in fighting for your marriage. But how long can I fight this battle alone? How can I love someone so unconditionally and not have that love returned? Did our vows mean nothing? I gave him my heart. I gave him everything, all of me. And in return what have I been given? Lonely nights of crying myself to sleep. The betrayals, the lies, the ugly words, the pain. If it is God's will to restore our marriage, I will accept that with an open heart. I will trust God to heal my shattered heart and help me to forgive and forget. I pray that God with either deliver Luke from his strongholds or release me from the marriage.

I know that life is hard. It wasn't meant to be easy for anyone. "Man is born to trouble, as the sparks fly upward." Job 5:7. This is God breathed, this is a truth. But, equally true is that God has promised to deliver us from our troubles. I cried for a month and a half straight. Every day. For hours at a time. I thought the pain would never end. I came across this forgotten treasure today,"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in you book." Psalm 56:8 I am almost embarrassed now to think of how many tears I shed as I lay in a heap sobbing. I am so thankful for my God and His love for me. I know that through Him I can do all things. I am thankful for the promise that God has made in Isaiah 49:16, "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands." God is holding me so tightly that I leave a visible impression in His hands. Can you imagine? The King of Kings holding me? That is so encouraging and in that verse I find comfort.

***Today is Sept. 1, 2012 and I feel like I have to let anyone who reads this entry know that we are back together and better than ever. Luke has been sober for 114 days. He attends church with us and we are really working on the pain. I can't begin to explain how amazing our God is. His hand was all over this situation. Maybe one day I will take the time to tell the story of our incredible journey and the strongholds that God helped us to overcome. I truly believe that ALL things are possible with God.