Impressions

I really thought life was gonna be good. I was so excited and happy to be in Florida, to be reconciled with my husband, to be a family again. Then I was blindsided. I had been lied to. The more neighbors I met, the more stories I heard. The more the truth was apparent. I can't make us work. Both parties have to actively want to be married. So now, a year later, I find myself separated once again. This has been a vicious cycle, one that is unhealthy not only for our marriage, but for our children. This time he left me. The married life wasn't for him and he just didn't love me anymore. Then came the other girls. His first mistress, the bottle, has remained faithfully by his side. The heartbreak is almost unbearable. The devastation. This is not me. I am a Christian woman who doesn't believe in divorce. I believe in fighting for your marriage. But how long can I fight this battle alone? How can I love someone so unconditionally and not have that love returned? Did our vows mean nothing? I gave him my heart. I gave him everything, all of me. And in return what have I been given? Lonely nights of crying myself to sleep. The betrayals, the lies, the ugly words, the pain. If it is God's will to restore our marriage, I will accept that with an open heart. I will trust God to heal my shattered heart and help me to forgive and forget. I pray that God with either deliver Luke from his strongholds or release me from the marriage.

I know that life is hard. It wasn't meant to be easy for anyone. "Man is born to trouble, as the sparks fly upward." Job 5:7. This is God breathed, this is a truth. But, equally true is that God has promised to deliver us from our troubles. I cried for a month and a half straight. Every day. For hours at a time. I thought the pain would never end. I came across this forgotten treasure today,"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in you book." Psalm 56:8 I am almost embarrassed now to think of how many tears I shed as I lay in a heap sobbing. I am so thankful for my God and His love for me. I know that through Him I can do all things. I am thankful for the promise that God has made in Isaiah 49:16, "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands." God is holding me so tightly that I leave a visible impression in His hands. Can you imagine? The King of Kings holding me? That is so encouraging and in that verse I find comfort.

***Today is Sept. 1, 2012 and I feel like I have to let anyone who reads this entry know that we are back together and better than ever. Luke has been sober for 114 days. He attends church with us and we are really working on the pain. I can't begin to explain how amazing our God is. His hand was all over this situation. Maybe one day I will take the time to tell the story of our incredible journey and the strongholds that God helped us to overcome. I truly believe that ALL things are possible with God.